What Are You Thinking

 Had a guy at the bar one day ask me what I liked to do in my spare time. You get that a lot tending bar. Some are blunter, asking what your real job is because bartending at any age can't possibly be anybody's real job. That's what he was getting at. So, I told him I like to write. He asked if I had ever been published, and no, I had not. "Well, you're not a writer then", he declared. Oh. Thanks for clearing that up, asshole. How about you? Oh, he golfed. 

"Are you on the PGA tour", I asked. No, he replied, as if it were a sincere question. 

"Well, you're not a golfer then". 

The whole stupid exchange seemed lost on him even though he had initiated it. If he thought he was playing chess, he just got checked, yet he seemed nonplussed. And that was that. 

Someone's always looking to get over on you, for their own silly reasons. When I tended bar, it was common for random people to ask personal questions about you. Like that girl that asked me if I was the guy with the big dick. It's the same, and probably worse, for waitresses (except for the big dick part). They feel like they are paying for your time and they deserve to know about you. Short answer is they don't.

I think I have resting bitch face. All my life people have been asking me, "Are you OK??!! What's wrong??!!" You never get used to that. How could you? Minding your own business, thinking about puppies or sunny beaches, and then someone ambushes you because you forgot to put on your happy face for them. I seriously got that a lot. For most of my life I was pretty damn good-looking guy, but I guess I had (have) a serious look about me. I just never thought it was tragedy based. Others did. The "you should smile more" trope that women so often complain about has definitely been my domain for decades. But why should I smile more? What's wrong with smiling only when I mean it? The Undisputed Truth taught us that a smile is just a frown turned upside down. Smiling faces, sometimes they don't tell the truth. And I've got the proof. 

The last time my oldest sister screamed at me, when she was done, she wanted to hug it out to make me complicit. She is all about performance hugs. I told her we didn't do that anymore. You don't scream at me for frivolous bullshit of your own thinking and then hug to absolve you of all guilt. I knew I was out of the family then. Out was a good place to be. 

Hugs and smiles are supposed to be real, not perfunctory. Nor performance smiles. Mom always chided me about "(my) phony bartender's smile" so I'd do it again just to tease her. She got me. Especially in the end when there was nothing left but honesty. I was blessed to get closure with both my parents before they passed. 

There is no closure necessary with random strangers in bars or on the street. If someone thinks they know me or what I'm "really thinking", that's fine. Just don't share it with me. Don't tell me I'm wrong about what I think or feel. If you do, don't get mad when I set you straight. You had it coming. 

These are my thoughts. Well, as far as you know... You didn't ask and I respect that. Even better, you didn't tell.