Hey 19

 I found a letter years ago. It wasn't to me, but I had good reason to think it might concern me in some way. I read it. 

The letter writer was Mike Broppy. The recipient was my former friend, Drew Dandy. I had long suspected those two (as Bubba Keppler use to say down south) "were homos together". I braced myself for some shocking revelations of man-on-man debauchery. 

WHEW! That was not part of the program in this correspondence. It turned out to be Broppy inviting Drew and my then wife, to spend the weekend with him at his college. I have to say that seemed even weirder than a gay love angle. Laura was married to me, and I wasn't even invited! That was rude. 

I remembered that weekend. Laura told me she was going to visit her brother, Nicky, at college. Fine. I was working. Have fun. 

What has stayed with me all these years was the no mention of me. The trysting was bad, but you get over shit like that once the smoke clears and you count up blessings. But not even a "If you can get Laura away from that fucking asshole, Ferrerman- come on down!"? I didn't even rate a mention. That was just fucking weird.

If you have been here before, I apologize for the deja vu. It's just that I was thinking about malignant narcissists and the people who enable them. I can understand young me failing to see through Laura, blinded by love and all that. I just don't think my younger self would have fallen for Trump. 

Both have an amazing support system of enablers, of people with blind loyalty who will help them no matter what, for whatever they do. Hundreds of people knew about Laura's pre-cosmetic self, but of course, I wasn't one of them. Still amazing to me that it never came up. I know it wasn't a vast conspiracy, but in retrospect it sure seemed like one. The fluffing was of trumpian cabinet meeting proportions. "You are so beautiful, Laura- and most definitely ALWAYS were! ALL men deserve you- except for he who need not be named..."

Well, would I have bought into that? I mean my young, 19-year-old self when I met and fell in love with her. What if she hadn't reciprocated that attraction and I was but a subject in her world? Would I have been a loyal subject? Would I have been Drew Dandy or Broppy? God, I hope not. These are very shallow people. Nothing to aspire to in life. I like to think I would have only hung around until I got some and moved on. Everybody thinks they will get out in time though, don't they? Not when you are 19, I reckon. 

I am just shy of half a century removed from 19, a literal lifetime ago. Learned a lot since then! Made other mistakes in life and love- just not that one again. I'm not afraid to revisit the past. It's how some of us learn about ourselves and others, mostly ourselves. Don't be afraid to look back every now and again. You can't know where you are and where you are going until you understand where you have been. 

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