To Catch a Ferrerman?

 Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, because I'm not the sharpest Ferrerman in the shed. This is true, but as the only Ferrerman in the world, this also makes me the smartest. So, I got that going for me as I somewhat gently careen through life. 

There are many times I wonder why I even bother to have a phone. I really mostly text on it because I never enjoyed talking on the phone even to people I like or love. I think phones are intrusive. You don't know what people are doing when you call them. To me it's like a surprise visit. I have a comfortable apartment and pretty much year 'round I'm in my underwear. I have to put pants on to go downstairs and answer the doorbell. OK, I don't have to, but it's good policy in case it's an elderly neighbor lady at the door or a kid selling junk for school. It's never some super cute woman who might admire the cut of my jib.  

So, with phones, if I don't recognize the number, I ignore it- 99.9% of time. It's just good policy. 

Yesterday, "Chase" came up on the screen. I don't bank with them, so I guess I picked up out of curiosity. On the line was a woman- possibly Hispanic- who had a very muddled accent when it came to English. The other side of that peso is, when you do speak English well (as I am wont to doeth) these people who don't have a good grasp of it, find you very hard to understand! There's some irony or kismet in their somewhere. She seemed to be telling me that a "Chase" account had been flagged for suspicious activity somehow involving my account, which has nothing to do with "Chase". This was very hard to follow in any language. She asked me if I had had any dealings or knowledge of a "Mary Wilson" in Pennsylvania". No. Had I used public wifi in the last 20 days? No. These all seemed like legit, easily answered questions. I believe she assured me that there was nothing wrong on my end, that it was a them problem and that everything would be fine as they would void those transactions that they were already suspicious of, that I, of course, had nothing to do with. Well, that's what it sounded like. OK. She then transferred me to the "FDIC" for their part of this investigation. I should mention that, like every fucking company you deal with in this country for any fucking reason, they kept advising me that the call was being recorded and or monitored for some fucking reason that I guess sounds "official" and maybe important, if not a little bit scary... You know- like when you call Comcast, a utility company or your crazy aunt Shirley. Seems like everything is recorded these days, for no apparent reason. 

The first "FDIC" guy was very perfunctory. A very unremarkable conversation. I guess his role was to make the next guy more palatable to my bewildered self. Guy #2 was their lead fraud investigator. The closer, I guess. This is where it got weirder. Numbers quoted by the first two people regarding transactions changed as did the names of the suspects and their locations. That made me hinky. But of course, the closer kept on talking and one thing led to another. 

At no time did they ask me for bank card numbers, pins or routing info. I may be dumb but I'm not stupid. Those inquiries would have caused me to question their oral sex preferences and ended the call. I was looking for these flags, in fact, kind of wanting them so that I could end the suspense of this silliness. I just have a natural curiosity of how things work. I'm a straight male, but in a previous life I might have been a woman who could best be described as a prick tease. Get a guy all hot, bothered and hard and then say, "Well, I gotta go! See ya!" I wanted to see how this played out.

The closer had somehow determined that the fraud must have been perpetrated at Walmart as that was the last place I had made a transaction, actually just about an hour earlier. Suddenly, Western Union money orders under names I didn't know and Zelle transactions were no longer the problem? The culprit was a rogue Walmart cashier? How the fuck could that be? The guy had told me a couple few times that he had 7 years' experience on the job. Could he really be that good? 

No, of course not. He's only as good as I am bad. His plan to catch this renegade Walmart cashier, was to have me present the barcode he sent me on the phone to any available cashier and have them make the transaction. Do what now??, I asked. That made absolutely no sense. I told him so. He assured me that both he and Walmart do this every day and that the cashier would know what to do. Had he ever met a Walmart cashier? You ask any cashier anywhere to ring up a bar code on your phone, and they are going to be very confused as to why the fuck you would want them to do that. He told me you are not supposed to say anything unless they ask. If pressed, just tell them it was 'money for a friend'. This what I don't get about the whole scheme. Obviously, this is where they get your money, but how does it hinge on your average Walmart employee scanning a barcode on a customer's phone. Why. Would. They. Do. That?

I certainly wasn't going to take it that far to find out. I guess that had that been successful, $2,000 from my account would have been sent off to an account somewhere in the US that I'd never see again even though the "FDIC" guy assured me it was merely a credit (some shit like that) and that this was how he and I would catch the renegade Walmart cashier- "with their IP address". And why did it not matter which cashier and how would that prove anything? I had this guy explain this to me several times. I believe I said something like, "Look, man, I'm an old man. You have to make this make sense to me because it's very fucking weird." I can only speculate that this wouldn't work and that they had a backup plan that would be more appealing to a senior such as myself. Far be it from me to tell a conman with 7 years of experience how to do his job, but the whole barcode thing seemed a bridge too far for me or anyone to do.  

Long story somewhat shorter, I hung up and went to my bank and told the very lovely teller there what had happened. At first, I thought the incredulous look on her face was in response to hearing details of a very common scam, but she seemed as mystified as me. Or maybe she was looking at me thinking, "You poor, once handsome old man! How did you get this far in life being so gullible??!!" I don't know. What are women ever really thinking? However, she assured me that any odd transactions that appeared on my account- anytime- would be routinely flagged by them anyway and I'd hear from them about it. I appreciate that. I believe it too. It's good to have a local bank on your side in this scummy, trumpian world. 

"Chase" just called. I let it ring. That's what I should have done in the first place. Now I know what I already knew. Never answer your phone.

*Ferrerman note: As unscrupulous as we all know Walmart to be, they were not part of this scheme. Neither was Chase. They get spoofed a lot, I gather from the internet.