To Thine Own Self Be True

Due to the wonders of algorithms, my zone has been flooded with videos about narcissists, since my last remaining sister sent me one that was germane to our oldest sister. I've never been much on psychobabble, yet I've always acknowledged there indeed are many truths in them thar assessments. Like our oldest sister being a narcissist. Ohhhh yeah. Definitely. Short story is that I am completely out of her life, unofficially because I refused to turn over my life and finances to the care and custody of her and her husband. Officially- from her end- I'm merely belligerently ungrateful for all she and her husband had done for me. Still not sure if that's done "for" or "to". I'm not the bad guy for wanting to choose where I would live and how I would spend my money over her intentions for me. Her plans for housing me first were an apartment that would more than eat up my SS check, and a stipend from her and her guy so that I could also eat. I did not see security in that at all. Her last solution was government-assisted, senior housing in an old folks home across from my old grade school. This was a place that had regular ambulance visits all through my life, and one I never even had a nightmare of ending my life in. 

Now, full disclosure: I'm 68 now and 68 means to me, you do me now and I'll owe you one. Get it? See- I still got it! And truth be told, there was no fucking way I'd *qualify* for a dump like that and any of the other places she strongly encouraged me to live. I'm in pretty good shape, with weight appropriate to age and height and of sound mind- for a Ferrerman. It was just incredible to me that an older sibling- a woman I loved and admired all my life- could be so fucking stupid. Putting me in an old folk's home was beyond impractical. Expensive too. Also, maybe 20 years too soon. OK, maybe ten? We're all day to day in these trumpian times...

The oldest sister, a retired high school journalism teacher, has always seemed a bit off to me. Growing up, not really knowing what a narcissist was, I just thought she was odd. I thought a narcissist was someone who just thought they were beautiful. She didn't flit around like a beauty queen or anything like that, as my first wife did. Vanity, thy name was Laura! No doubt about that. 

Well, a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. I had gotten the definition of narcissism all wrong, even when I got it right with Laura. The vanity of beauty doesn't really have anything to do with it. Pedantic as this may be, I see it as predatory behavior. Manipulation of people for one's own gain or self-aggrandizement. Good enough? The videos I've seen of late make me feel like I've been exposed to millions of narcissists! I just thought I knew a lot of annoying assholes! Who knew? 

More full disclosure: I'm pretty much an introvert. I'm fairly quiet until it's time to not be quiet. This surprises people. It angers them too because I seem to be an easy mark and when I suddenly take a stand, they get very offended. Hurt even. Like, I've had a few bosses who told me that because of my height and wingspan, they could make me hang vinyl. They get very surprised when they persist and I ask if they've got a pistol because that's what they would need to make me do something I have zero interest in doing. The operative word, of course, is "make". These bosses weren't necessarily narcissists- just opportunists. Quiet and easy going as I generally am, don't mistake that demeanor for easy pickin's. I will make you earn your way into lording over me, but you'll probably have to kill me first. You best move on to your next project. 

So, when one of the videos finally got around to saying that the #1-word narcissists do not want to hear is "NO", I already knew that! I've being doing that all my life. My timing hasn't always been right though.  But, you know, better late than never. It's a real gut-punch to narcissists when you finally tell them no after they've invested so much of themselves in you. They fucking hate that! I don't think that most of them even know that they are narcissists. Their instinct is to prey and manipulate. They fancy themselves the lion scouting out the smallest, weakest gazelle at the watering hole. They like that predictability of conquest. That's really kind of cowardly. Nothing to aspire to, if you ask me. 

Family is a different dynamic. You grade family on a curve. If you are doing it right, you are happy to help family. I couldn't have seen the oldest as a narcissist until- I think- decades later when she set her sights on me at the watering hole. I know that I had told her "No" before, I guess she just couldn't handle it anymore. You are going to disappoint someone in life; just don't let that someone be you.